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I wrote something quite a while ago now, and I said I was feeling like I have nothing to lose. I thought this was good, and although it was not 100% true (and I was aware of this fact), I did feel much like a man with nothing to lose. Now I discover there are things in my mind which generate fear. I find I have fear of losing things, and though they are good things, apparently at least (and most of them are ‘good’ in the generally-accepted sense of the word), they cause fear in me. Fear is something deeply, deeply undesirable for me. Fear feels wrong, fear is a prison. It is caused by feeling as though one has something and that they might lose it, something such as love, or money, or health, or whatever. I’m not saying these things are necessarily wrong, but it is bad to fear losing them. When I say fear losing them, I mean feeling the fear, not just a vague self-preservation instinct. Feeling the fear like I did today. I had a terrible dream, which I did not realize was that terrible until it was almost over and I woke up. It seems I had had an accident (but this is not quite clear what kind of accident, perhaps a shooting accident – army-related imagery), and my top half of the body was detached from the lower. The doctors had done a good job, in this fictional world, of making the two halves fit like a mold into each other, and I could use my legs (though with some difficulty) and I had to be careful not to let my upper half of the body fall to the ground and hit my head etc. The episode was taking place immediately after the operation had been completed and I was not at all used to the new situation. I did feel very uncomfortable, partly like a freak, and there was a significant degree of distress. My parents were there, too. I don’t know what this dream means, but when I woke up I felt very much like there was great significance to it, and I was afraid and very, very troubled by it, like never before. I have never had a dream touch me so much as this one. There are several explanations I thought might be reasonable either separately or together for the symbol contained… One is something which came to me almost right away; I felt in danger of losing the stronghold of my parents’ support, following recent confusion and a certain degree of tension between me and them, which they feel (perhaps rightly) that I generated. This is related to my attitude and level of honesty and openness towards them, which has been on the increase actually. That is probably a ‘bad’ thing to do when it comes to parents, mine being quite obsessive about my welfare and future, since they feel the fulfilment of their own lives depends exclusively on these two elements… Or perhaps it’s something to do with me personally, the image of me (and I felt clearly it was me there, I felt like I was cut into two parts, somewhere below my belly button) split into two being something I know well of… but I’ve never seen it myself, or experienced it so directly in symbolism. I’ve been told about it, yes, and felt it somewhat, and seen it with my reasoning… but never seen it myself in front of my own eyes. This was me, looking at myself with my own ‘eyes,’ inside the dream. It was very, very dramatic, and very personal. It also could be other things, but I won’t go into them; these two outlined above are by far the strongest possibilities and they are the only ones I feel as well as guess at with my reasoning mind. However, with regards to the first one I believe it’s rather like a warning, saying I must be much more careful and wise, and manage my relationship with my parents better, more maturely, and take it more seriously. And with regards to the second one, while it could be a kind of warning, I feel it’s more likely an apparition, a moment of awareness – something ‘good,’ rather than anything else. It is the first time I am aware of this split in me in a more real sense, I could see it and there was a feeling of subtle connectedness between the two halves. Perhaps even a hope they might merge together – in fact, I do remember having that idea relatively clearly and it feeling like a real possibility… (the world in which this was happening was clearly fictional, since my legs were functioning though they were my original ones, not bionic, yet they were disconnected from the upper body; I know nothing of my sex organs, though I seem to remember an image of the anus being just a cosmeticised outlet, part of the upper body; nothing else). This dream troubled me deeply today and I would like to really know what it was about. Unless any greater insight happens, these two are the lines I am thinking on, for the moment at least. |
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